Worth your time…to read this post

Note to all readers: For the interest of the story, some of the events mentioned may have been placed out of sequence or may have been made up entirely. However, the integrity of the story was dutifully considered and therefore has resolved to stay nearly true to form.

Title: "Fe! Fi! Fo! Fum!"

Cast of Characters:
Jack . . . . . . Harmony
Giant. . . . . . Yerima, Usuman's bro (next Lamido of Sabga)
Faerie Lady. . . Usuman
magic beans. . . Usuman's connections
Narrator. . . . .Sadie

Scene I. "A Lucky Break"
Setting: Yaounde, a populous city with minimal archival substance to offer

Narrator: Once upon a time, there lived a "whiteman" by the name of Jack. He was a rather bright fellow who took amusement at frolicking amid the fields of research. The only worry in the world for Jack was his lack of a quality research hub where gathering and compiling data would come with ease. . . oh yeah, and the occasional computer malfunction, but that's another story. One day while Jack was inquiring around town about the best "frolicking zone", he met a special Faerie Lady who possessed magical beans that could potentially aid Jack's thirsty endeavors.
Faerie Lady: Now Jack, I will give you these magical beans if you give me something in return.
Jack: Anything! Just as long as I have a private and convenient location for my very important work.
Faerie Lady: Yes, yes, if I give you these beans, you will surely have a private and convenient space for your work. All I ask in return is that you massage my wing with some oil. Oh, God, the pain is too much. Will you do it? If so, I will gladly give you the beans.
Jack: Oh, of course! No problem!
[Jack massages wing]
Fearie Lady: Oh, thank you! Here are the beans. And one more thing. . . these beans must be soaked in water overnight, then boiled for four hours before they'll be of any use. Ciao!
Narrator: So off Jack went with careful instructions in his ears, high hopes in his heart, and magical beans in his pocket.

Scene II: "When Crying, Be Moving"
Setting: outside Jack's abode

Narrator: Jack, having 3/4 of a Type A personality, processed the beans almost exactly as told (the beans boiled for six hours, not four 'cause Jack stopped for a beer or two and kind of lost track of time). Nonetheless, they were strong, and immediately post-planting, the earth began to shake and up came the hugest beanstalk in the whole world. Honest! Jack was so thrilled, he couldn't contain his excitement.
Jack: Wow! This looks really promising!
Narrator: So up, up, and up he climbed, gaining more vigor with every lunge. Finally, Jack reached the summit.

Scene III. "The Truth Is Bitter"
Setting: Sabga, a quaint village nestled in mountains atop the beanstalk; more specifically: the Giant's compound

Narrator: So there Jack stood, gazing all around at the wonderful mountain scenery. He didn't think he had ever seen any place so beautiful in all his days. Just then, he saw out of his peripheral vision a building of the brightest blue in the whole world. Honest!
Jack: Golly gee! I think that's supposed to be my research hub! Oh boy, I can't wait to see what's inside. It appears to be perfect, at least from afar!
[Jack approaches blue "hub", opens door, and saunters on in]
Jack: Well this doesn't seem right at all!!
Narrator: To Jack's amazement, everything in the house was larger-than-life giant-sized. What was a little boy to do?
Jack: Egads! I can't work here! This place is fit for a big man, not a small boy. The parlor is massive and the dining area is even more huge!
[Jack steps into dining room and sits in a chair. The table is too high for Jack to reach]
Jack: My goodness, how am I supposed to eat here? These chairs are too large and the table is much too high. And what's more, the window is broken, there's no outlet for my computer, and parts of the ceiling are missing, creating some heavy drafts!!!
[Dismayed, Jack looks through the remainder of the house]
Jack: What?!? There's no sink in the bathroom and no frickin' door, either? And don't get me started on the bedroom! The walls aren't painted, just this "charming" cement slab, and the bed is waaaayyyy too filthy for sleeping. Dirt everywhere! No, no, this isn't promising at all!
[Without fair warning, the main door opens and in walks the Giant]
Giant: Fe! Fi! Fo! Fum! Do I smell the blood of a whiteman?
[Jack trembles in his shoes]
Jack: Tis I, sir, the whiteman you speak of. Please don't hurt me. The Faerie Lady assured me this was a private and convenient location for my very important work. Was she mistaken?
Giant: Why no, of course not! Do not be frightened little one. I am the landlord of this building and you have my word, this is a very private and convenient place for you. After all, Sabga is a quiet and safe village, perfect for the line of work you are in. In Sabga, you are free. You can ride horses. It's no problem. In towns below the beanstalk, you must pay. Here in Sabga, it's free. Did I mention you can ride horses? There's no problem.
Jack: Uh yeah, thanks. Say, are you going to do something about that broken window?
Giant: Why do you not eat meat? The Faerie Lady called and said you eat no meat.
Jack: For the same reasons you don't eat pork. You don't believe it is good for you.
Giant: Ahh, I see. Do you like horses? You will come with me to a horse race.
Jack: Sure . . . . Say, about this place that I'm apparently living in for the upcoming five months . . . I was wondering how often you use this space for your own needs?
Giant: No, it's okay. You will have this house all to yourself. I only use it once in a while. Not often.
Jack: How often is not often?
Giant: Well, I take breakfast here each morning, which I'll be expecting you to accompany me to, and I also come every evening for my dinner, and again, you will join me. But at that time, it won't be just me, but many of my friends, too. And then sometimes I'll stop by between mealtimes, just for the hell of it. Oh, and I can't forget my children. They'll be popping in regularly. I'm not sure why, they just will. Otherwise, this place is completely yours alone. You will have much privacy.
Jack: Huh . . . and do I get a key for the outside door?
Giant: Well, you have a key for your bedroom. You will keep all of your things in there. Okay, you understand everything. I will leave you to rest now.
Jack: Wait! There's no outlet in that room for my computer. Where am I supposed to work?
Giant: Uh, well, there's an outlet in the parlor. I did have a television with cable plugged into it, but I removed the tv before you came, so feel free to use that one. You see, Sabga is nice. Here, you are free.
[Giant exits stage right]
Narrator: Jack was so flabbergasted by his meeting with the Giant, he just plopped himself down on one of the enormous chairs in the parlor and meditated on the ridiculousness of his surroundings.
[on ceiling: two coca cola beach balls dangling, one sadly deflated, the other itching for a good volley; on walls: posters of New York and the previous year's horse race]
Jack: With all the mismatched furniture and frat-boy decorum, this place is an all-out Man Pad. The only thing missing is a Sports Illustrated Calendar, Swimsuit Edition. Is it possible I'm being too critical? Maybe I should sleep here for the night and think about what I'll do tomorrow.
Narrator: Never one to give up easily, Jack held his courage tightly. He grabbed a pillow & blanket and made his bed on the sofa.
Jack: I'll sleep on this tonight. The bed the Giant wants me to use is, well . . . I wouldn't allow my spoiled dog to sleep there!
Narrator: As Jack cozied himself in his makeshift bed, he thought he heard the sound of a key unlocking the side door.
Jack: Can that be possible? The Giant gave his word that there'd be no nightly disturbances. I must be hearing things.
Narrator: But Jack's ears did not deceive him. Through the darkness, he made out the figure of a woman.
Jack: Hello? What is going on? Do you need something?
Narrator: There was no reply from the woman, but soon Jack was able to see that she was one of the Giant's wives. He thought to himself that she probably forgot something and would soon be on her way. Still, Jack did not think it was right for her to enter his hub like that without first knocking, and he wondered who else might have a key. His wonderment was cut short, however, when another figure entered the side door. Unfortunately for Jack, it wasn't a woman this time, but a man! That's when he realized what was happening. The Giant's wife was making a bed for the man in the second bedroom, and like the bathroom, it had no door!
Jack: No! No! What are you doing?!? He can't sleep here. The Giant said no one else would be here at night! Please, no! There's no door for the toilet! What if I have to use the bathroom and he sees me naked?!
Narrator: The strange man argued with Jack that he was really nice and nothing bad would happen, but Jack was not convinced.
Jack: Where is the Giant? Let me speak with him! This is not right!
Narrator: Jack stormed out of the building and ran to his landlord's house.
Jack: I do not want that strange man sleeping in the other room. He has no door and there's no door for the toilet. What if he sees me naked? My husband would be very upset!
Narrator's interjection: Yes, Jack has a husband.
Jack: I'm sure he is a very nice man, but I do not know him and my husband wouldn't like it. Please! It is a very bad situation.
Giant: Okay, no, it's no problem. That is fine.
Jack: You know, I think it would be better for everyone if maybe I found a different place. That way, you and your family could use the building as you wish. It would be easier. Besides, it's too far down the beanstalk to use internet and I'd be really exhausted. Is that okay?
Giant: No, it's no problem. That is fine. But at the bottom of the beanstalk, you must pay. It is not free, and there are no horses. In Sabga, you are free and it is very peaceful. But, if you want to go, that is fine. You can do as you like.
Jack: Oh, thank you. I am sorry, but it is simply not a good situation. Turns out, this place isn't private or convenient at all!
Giant: No, it's no problem. You can go.
Narrator: Mortified, Jack slinked back to his now defunct hub, and hoped his carefree frolicking days were not over. He barely slept that night and when morning came, he gathered his things and slid down the beanstalk, never to be heard of in Sabga again . . . aside from the occasional interview.
THE END!